GM3YEW > HUMOUR 01.03.21 07:15z 326 Lines 10775 Bytes #154 (0) @ WW BID : 15431_GB7YEW Read: GUEST Subj: jokes 1/3 Path: ED1ZAC<ED1ZAC<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<VE3BWM<N9PMO<GB7YEW Sent: 210301/0713Z 15431@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18 As Grandmother used to say One kind word can warm three winter months ------- Proverbs Democracy: it is a widespread superstition, and an abuse of statistics. Jorge Luis Borges. (1899-1986). --- Some great questions brought to you by Peter Kay: 18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe you believe them but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere you have to touch it to make sure? ------ Puns for those with a higher IQ With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. -------- My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was. He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic." ----------- Things You Would Never Know without the Movies ---------------------------------------------- All police investigations require at least one visit to a strip club. All telephone numbers begin with the digits 555. Most dogs are immortal. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to armpit level On a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French Bread. It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower To talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one Will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other Part of the building without difficulty. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even If you haven't been carrying any before. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the Mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not Necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, The mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art Exhibition. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will Wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it Before long. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill: Just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Same with restaurants. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from anywhere in The universe. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you must open the refrigerator door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most revealing lingerie. Computers never display a cursor on screen. Instead, they always say, "Enter Password Now." Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their families every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. Cars that crash almost always burst into flames. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A single match is sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Although in the 21st century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. A person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilisation. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. You can always find a Chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds ... unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. Words ----- The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? ----------- These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: no, I just lie there. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: and in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. __________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? _____________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the Patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
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