GM3YEW > HUMOUR   26.05.21 07:00z 429 Lines 15456 Bytes #181 (0) @ WW
BID : 19969_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 26/5
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Sent: 210526/0617Z 19969@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

As Grandmother used to say
  Happy is the bride the sun shines on

---------

John F - thanks…...



11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet. Its a cover band.

---


The HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs) has returned the Tax Return
to a man in Stansted after he apparently answered one of the questions
incorrectly.


In response to the question: "Do you have anyone dependant on you ?" he
wrote : "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million drug addicts, 4.4
million unemployable scroungers, 90,000 criminals in over 85 prisons
plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was ‘Unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was: *"Who did I miss out ?"


---


Paddy was in  New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'  
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk..

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

-----------
Darwin Award Winners:

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
During a hold-up in Long Beach California would-be robber James Elliot did
Something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and
Tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And and now honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
Machine and after a little hopping around submitted a claim to his
Insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
Men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The
Chef's' claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
During a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman
had taken The space. Understandably he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar a Zimbabwean bus driver
Found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
 From Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence
The driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a
Free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital telling
The staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
Fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
Wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
Could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K put a $20 bill on the counter
and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer the man
Pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register which the clerk
Promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled leaving
the $20
Bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
He'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window grab some
Booze and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
The window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
Head knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store a man
Grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman
  Was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minute the
Police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back
To the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand
There for a positive ID. To which he replied" yes officer that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti Michigan at 5 a.m.flashed a gun demanded cash. The
Clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
Without a food order. When the man ordered onion ring the clerk said
They weren't available for breakfast . The man frustrated walked away.


A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
A Seattle street he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
At the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
Spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
To steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
Tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying
That it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your
Friends and family ... Unless of course one of these 10 individuals by
chance is
A distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are
distant
And hope they remain lost.

  ---------








Health Advice
-------------
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it. Everything
Wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer
that's like saying You can extend the life of your car by driving it
faster.
Want to live longer?  Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
Corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
Efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
Vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100Bour recommended daily
Allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
All know scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
Animal mineral and vegetable.  We all know that beer and wine are not
Animals AND they are not on the periodic table of elements so that only
Leaves one thing right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your
Liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: well if you have a body and you have body fat your ratio is one to
One. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one etc.

Q: At the gym a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench
Press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up
Your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs though if you find
That it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in you probably ought to
Re-evaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
Program?

A: Can't think of a single one sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain.

Q: If I stop smoking will I live longer?

A: Nope.  Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind.  If
You stop you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening.  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In
Fact they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
You?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not!  When you exercise a muscle it gets bigger. You should
Only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.



Tough Question For Dog And Cat Lovers
-------------------------------------
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining the day is young we've got our
Whole lives ahead of us and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned
Out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up
to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Ohmeme!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeezepleasepleaseplease!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from
the dark check to make sure I haven't missed any and make just one more
perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the
situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog:  Light bulb? I'm sorry but I don't see a light
bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light
bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By
the time he finishes rewiring the house my nails will be dry.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

The Cat's Answer:

Cats do not change light bulbs.  People change light bulbs.  so the real
question is:

"How long will it be before I can expect some lightsome dinner and a
massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES ONCE AGAIN THAT WHILE DOGS
HAVE MASTERS CATS HAVE STAFF!



-----------


We live in a small town where we have a volunteer Ambulance Company.
We are blessed with many dedicated and fully qualified attendants, who staff
our ambulances and give freely of themselves. I was chatting with one of the
EMS respondents one day and she could hardly stifle a chuckle, so I asked
her what was so funny and she told me this story...


It seems that she had gone to an automobile accident and was checking
a patient who was lying on the road for injuries. As she knelt beside
him and probed him, she asked, "Does this hurt or does that hurt?"
After each probe, he replied, "No." When she had nearly completed
her examination, she shifted to a better spot from which to finish
the examination when after one of her probing questions, he exclaimed
very loudly, "That hurts!"

When she asked where, he looked up at her with a look of real pain on
his face and said, "You're kneeling on my fingers!"

-------------
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,

trouble-making biker steps up next to me,

grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand
to see

a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen
and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it
all, I buy a drink,

I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"



-----------


1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead
of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I
was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout
from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a
seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the
jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked
her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy
can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room
burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and
running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever
seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism re port at an elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years
old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are
you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the
report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should
ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told
her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward
me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in
front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring

in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It
sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on
my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the
various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers
and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a
party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she
warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And
why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you
a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly
made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for
the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was
chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous

dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son,
and into the hole he goes.'
(I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I
can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated
as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked
at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed
in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy
called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With
astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


--

Best Wishes
Dave.




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