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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   14.06.19 08:30l 502 Lines 9313 Bytes #6 (0) @ WW
BID : 3581_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 14/6
Sent: 190614/0615Z 3581@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

As Grandmother used to say 
 Mist in May and heat in June will bring all things into tune
 Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must be
good because the programmers hate it so much.
The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert
to the next higher units.
God is Dead   -- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead    -- God
Nietzsche is God    -- The Dead
As I hurtled through space one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this 
rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
When the white missionaries came to  Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. 
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the 
Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that 
professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
I'm not a paranoid deranged millionaire. God dammitI'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
After the game the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
I've been married to a communist and a fascist and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
Kill one man and you're a murderer kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just 
as happy as when I had 48 million.
~  Arnold   Schwarzenegger.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing 
a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania but when it gets badI take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley*
I don't suffer from insanityI enjoy every minute of it!
Three men are sharing a hotel room - a fireman a physicist and a
mathematician.  In the middle of the night the fireman gets up to go to
the bathroom down the hall and discovers that there is a fire in a
trash can in the hallway.  Immediately he runs back to his room grabs the
Ice bucket and throws the water all over the fire.  This not only puts out
The fire but leaves the rug soaking wet.  Nonetheless the fire is outAnd the fireman 
goes to the bathroom and then back to bed.
A few hours later the physicist wakes up to go to the bathroom.  As he leaves He 
discovers that there is a fire in the same trash can.  Horrified he
springs into action grabbing a slide rule a measuring cup and a bottle
of water.  He rapidly measures the size of the fire and the burn rate of
the trash can's contents measures out a precise amount of water and throws
this water on the fire.  The fire dies with an angry *HISS*and there is
not one drop of water left in the bucket.  There is however a bit of
water on the floor.  Satisfied with a job well done the physicist proceeds
to the bathroom and then goes to bed.
Just a few short hours later the mathematician awakens to the smell of
smoke.  He quickly opens the door and sees that the trash can down at the
end of the hall (same one again!) is full of flames!  He grabs a
spectrograph. a glass of water and a pocket calculator takes careful
measurements of the fire calculater oxygen consumption rate burn speed and relative 
rate of rise of the flame.  He jumbles all of these numbers together looks at his glass 
of waterand says"Yup!  I could put that fire out!"
...and goes back to bed.
For 40 years my grandfather put in long hours at his job so I was more
than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. 
"How has life changed?" I asked.
A man of few words he replied "Well I get up in the morning with nothing
to do and I go to bed at night with it half-done."
The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books
reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was
explaining an accounting method called First In Last Outwhich is useful
for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why
the oil industry for example reported huge profits during the 1970's when
the oil shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil so they had to use oil
that on paper had been purchased in the 1930's at 20ยข a barrel. They of
course sold it at current market prices which accounted for their huge
One of the students put up his hand and said" Excuse me sir but that
doesn't sound very ethical to me."
To which the professor replied "You're in the wrong class son this is
Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks
behind St Peter.
He asked 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered' Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh'said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's' replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved
indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible'said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded' That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's the Prime Minister's clock?' asked the man.
Her clock is in Jesus's office.
*He's using it as a ceiling fan.'*
A  father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see  that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.  Then he saw an
envelope propped up prominently on the  pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst  premonition he opened the envelope  with  trembling
hands and read the letter.
Dear  Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm  writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because  I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you.
I have  been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of  all her piercing, tattoos 
tight motorcycle clothes and  the fact that she is much older than I am. 
But it' s not  only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said  that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in  the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole  winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that  marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing  it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that  live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the  meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for  AIDS
so  Stacy  can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad.  I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so  that you can  get
to know your grandchildren.
LoveYour Son John
PS.  Dad none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I  Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in  life than
the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I  love you.
Call  me when it's safe to come home.


73 de dave

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