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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   21.02.19 08:45l 449 Lines 9192 Bytes #8 (0) @ WW
BID : 28510_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 21/2
Path: ED1ZAC<ED1ZAC<NA7KR<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190221/0730Z 28510@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18


As Grandmother used to say 
 
 Rain before seven, fine before eleven
  
------
 
Puns for those with a higher IQ 
 
 A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
 
-----
 
Driver's Test News
------------------
Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The
Good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."
 
I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
 
He said, "They were pedestrians."
 
 
 
Bizarre Pennsylvania Laws
-------------------------
It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that
Constitutes a brothel. However up to 120 men can live together, without
Breaking the law.
 
A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust
Under a rug in a dwelling.
 
You may not sing in the bathtub.   
 
A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a
Duel.
 
Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well
Off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the
Countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the
Motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the
Nearest bushes.
 
You may not catch a fish with your hands.   
 
You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.   
 
 
 
Comb-over
---------
"The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly
Is called the 'comb-over,' which is when the man grows the hair on one side
Of his head very long and combs it across the bald area, creating an effect
That looks...from the top...like an egg in the grasp of a large tropical
Spider." --Dave Barry
 
 
aging
------
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly
Stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was
Astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years." ---Mark Twain
 
 
 
Puns
----
Did you hear about the pet store whose canaries were constantly flying and
Never landed? They gave them away for free. After all, we're all familiar
With "no perches necessary".
 
When the clock factory caught fire, second hand smoke was everywhere.
 
It wasn't school that John disliked, it was just the principal of the
Thing.
 
To some, marriage is a word ... To others, a sentence.
 
It was an emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.
 
Is a cannibal's favourite game "Swallow the Leader?"
 
When they finish a new hive, do bees have a house swarming party?
 
 
 
Credit Card
-----------
A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it
Because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
 
----------
 
WOMEN'S REVENGE
 
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items
the woman wished to purchase.
 
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her  purse.
 
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
 
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come
shopping with me,
 
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do
to him legally.'
 
-------
 
 
 
 
Yesterday
---------
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday. 
 
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a millstone
Hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly. 
 
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say. 
 
Now all my data's gone
And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. 
 
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
 
 
The Verdict
-----------
Bingley went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
Announced, "Not guilty."
 
That's great!" shouted Bingley. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
 
 
 
Office Pranks
-------------
Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an
Entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will
Send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to
Replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!" They will usually panic
And start scanning for viruses.
 
Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the
Sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks
The ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the
Back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has
Happened.
 
Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste
The image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a
Bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop
Wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their
Desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner
Or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on
it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it...sending them
into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!
 
This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick
in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows
until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
 
Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap
CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking
on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the
audio CD will auto play when windows first starts up. The person starting
up their PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
 
-----
 
The 1st Affair
 
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
 
 
 
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
 
 
 
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
 
 
 
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.
 
 
 
He put on his shoes and drove home.
 
 
 
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
 
 
 
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
 
 
 
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
 
We had sex all afternoon.'
 
 
 
She looked down at his shoes and said:
 
 
 
'You lying bastard!
 
You've been playing golf!'
 
 
 
 
The 2nd Affair
 
 
 
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.
 
 
 
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
 
 
 
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
 
 
 
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
 
 
 
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
 
 
 
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
 
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
 
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
 
 
 
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
 
'No, not this time!'
 
 
 
 
The 3rd Affair
 
 
 
A mortician was working late one night.
 
 
 
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery.
 
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
 
 
 
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you
to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
 
It must be saved for posterity.'
 
 
 
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
 
 
 
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
 
 
 
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
 
 
 
 
The 4th Affair
 
 
 
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.
 
 
 
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
 
 
 
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum
powder.
 
 
 
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
 
 
 
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
 
 
 
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
 
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
 
 
 
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
 
 
 
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.
 
 
 
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
 
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a
damned thing.'
 
 
 
 
The 5th Affair
 
 
 
A man walked into a cafe went to the bar and ordered a beer.
 
 
 
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
 
 
 
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
 
 
 
He glanced at the menu and asked:
 
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
 
 
 
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
 
 
 
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
 
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
 
 
 
The bartender replied:
 
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
 
 
 
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
 
 
 
The bartender replied:
 
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
 
 
 
 
The 6th & Best Affair
 
 
 
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
 
 
 
He looked up and said weakly:
 
'I have something I must confess.'
 
 
 
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
 
 
 
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
 
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
mother!'
 
 
 
'I know,' she replied.
 
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
 
  




 
 73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew

  
  
 


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