GM3YEW > HUMOUR 15.05.19 07:30l 307 Lines 8872 Bytes #6 (0) @ WW
BID : 2047_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 15/5
Sent: 190515/0522Z 2047@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Shear your sheep in May, and shear them all away
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
As I was driving home from work one day I stopped to watch a local
Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my
Home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line I asked
One of the boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing" he answered with a smile.
"Really" I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why
Should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
"Oh No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in
His 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could
Have survived he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction
He would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny
Kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his
Path. He moved ahead slowly.
"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell
Several times. He heard someone or something move. At least he
Thought he did. Perhaps he was just hoping he did. He shook his
Head and felt his gut tighten.
He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some
Light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed
Against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation he took another step then cried out"Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material he heard his son.
"Yes Dad" he said in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school" the man sighed"and for
heaven's sake clean up this room!"
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and
were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake
him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to
go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed
a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
I attended a Supervisors training course
Lesson was titled ; How not to criticize.
Supervisor calls in employee Joe Bloggs and says: " You're ,
incompetent, slovenly, lazy, have bad breath and you're
But this is not criticism. It's Developmental Feedback.
A buck is a dollar and dough is money. Why are deer
called a buck and a doe? Does this mean we should
call our loose change fawns?
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
The Five Most Dangerous Things You'll Ever Hear In The Navy
A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."
A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, Sir..."
A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."
A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."
A Chief chuckling, "Watch this trick..."
"Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe
"Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia
"Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss
"Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum
"Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover
"How to Write a Mystery Novel"....by Page Turner
"I Got Away With Murder"....by Scott Free
"Winning Big".....by Jack Potts
"Vacation Spot in the Tropics"....by Sandy Beech
"I Always Enjoy the Darkness"....by Gladys Knight
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me
one last request, dear,' he said.
Of course, John,'his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
A Glasgow man walks into a bank in Glasgow and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Glasgow lad hands over the keys
and documents of new Ferrari parked
on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's Manager and its officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Glaswegian
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Glaswegian returns,
repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,
we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?
The Glaswegian replies:
"Where else in Glasgow can I park my car
for two weeks for only £15.41
and expect it to be there when I return'"
Ah, the mind of the Glaswegian.....
This is why we survive
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the
last instruction of the Mother Superior
is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns
decide to lock the door of the room, strip off
their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the
project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man", replies a voice from the other side
of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding
that no harm can come from letting a blind man
into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you
want the blinds ?"
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry swine who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3.When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that
I would probably want to be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag you about it every chance I get
until you're NOT.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about
how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until
you are well again. I don't want whatever you have...
8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy arse, but I'll help
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
because you are my friend.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only
you can feel the true warmth.
73 de dave
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