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As Grandmother used to say
A wind from the west means weather's fair. A wind from the east foul weather's near
With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I try
to be a fraud and a half.
-- Otto von Bismark
"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing
Letters sent to Viz magazine
* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD
Collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the
Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing the judge takes into account
Their splendid sense of humour.
* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman
Being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that!
* Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures but
I'd just like to remind him that as a Playboy reader I have seen all
His wife's body. He hasn't seen my wife's so who's had the last laugh?
* Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising
Me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me
But for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call!
* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor
With a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give
Him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of
Chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks I'm diabetic." I
Wish they'd get their story straight.
* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as
Nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see
An end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk but McDonalds
Continue serving the fat eaters? It's hardly fair.
* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and
Cheese" obviously hadn't tasted "Kwik Saver's" cheddar.
* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it
Isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game
On Sky TV in my local.
* If as Freddie Mercury claimed fat bottomed girls make the
Rocking world go roundi isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow
Received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything they slow
* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen
Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out she "bravely remained
In London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply
With the actions of my grandfather who on the declaration of war
Immediately left his wife and children and went off first to France then North
Africa Italy France (again) and finally Germany. The shame Will always be
* Like the Queen Mummy grandfather was a frequent visitor to
The East End during the dark days of the blitz but he was never hailed
As a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel
Bombers for the Luftwaffe.
* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those
Wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any
Weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the
Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and
Dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went
Out with Stan Collymore.
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms
had been fighting over for years.
Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their
knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires
pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first
kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of
whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking
The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires.
Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the
camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his
squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped
rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while
the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights
to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only
person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having
defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms.
Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal
to the sum of the squires of the other two sides
A British engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride
Virginia Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello
to his friends.
Giovanni said "Hey Luigi how wasa DA treep?"
Luigi said "Everyting wasa perfecto except for DA train ride down."
"Whata you mean Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well we boarda DA train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful
Virginia she pack a biga basket a food.
She brough at DA vino some nice cigars for me and we were lookina
forward to DA trip and open upa DA luncha basket.
The conductore come aby waga his finger at us anda say' no eat indisa
car. Musta use a dining car.'
Some and my beautiful Virginia we go to DA dining car eat a biga lunch
and starta at open DA bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again waga his finger and say 'No drinka in disa
car! Musta use a cluba car.' So we go to cluba car.
While a drink ina DA vino I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore
he waga is finger again and say 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore he walka
through DA hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..
'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
"Nexta time I'ma just gonna taka da bus ..
73 de dave
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