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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   13.12.18 12:00l 328 Lines 11334 Bytes #7 (0) @ WW
BID : 24195_GB7YEW
Subj: jokes 13/12
Path: ED1ZAC<ED1ZAC<NA7KR<ZL2BAU<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 181213/1050Z 24195@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.16

    As Grandmother used to say 
 
 Year of snow fruit will grow
  
 
-------

  
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He 
took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One 
day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before 
long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
 
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly 
in his direction with the obvious intention of having him 
for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble 
now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and 
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back 
to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to 
leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one 
delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around 
here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in 
mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks 
away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was 
close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, 
who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby 
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and 
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
 
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with 
great speed, and figured that something must be up.
 
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the 
beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The 
leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here 
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to 
that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard 
coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I 
going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down 
with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen 
them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, 
the dachshund says..................
 
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to 
bring me another leopard."
 
 
 
 
 
 
--------
SEASONAL GREETINGS

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes 

for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, 

non-addictive,  Gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, 

practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion 

of your choice, Secular practices of your choice, or with respect for the 

religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice 

Religious/secular traditions at all.

 

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically 

uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar 

year 2010 Of the common era, but not without due respect for the calendars 

of choice of other cultures, nor without regard to the race, creed, colour,

 age, physical ability, IQ, chronological status, mental deficiencies, religious 

faith, or sexual preference or practices of the wishee.

 

By accepting this greeting, you are agreeing to these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.

It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.

It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for 

her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable 

At the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good 

tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent 

Holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement 

of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

All taxes are the responsibility of the wishee, and the decision of a panel of 

arbitrators is final in the event of a dispute.

 

In spite of being advised that the above small print should be included, we 

will content ourselves with

 

Wishing you all a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

Sincerely, Fraternally and Electronically,

 

David 

 


--------
Frank Feldman
 
A  man walked out into the street and caught a taxi  just going by.  He got in and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing.  You’re just like Frank."
Passenger: “Who?"
Cabbie:  "Frank Feldman.   He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. 
Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger:   "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman..  He was a terrific athlete.  He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.  He could golf with the pros.   He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.  He was an amazing guy."
Passenger:   "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie:   "There’s more. He had a memory like a computer.  He remembered everybody’s birthday.  He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.  He could fix anything, not like me.  I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out.  But Frank Feldman could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie:  "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.  Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate; shoes highly polished, too.  He was the perfect man!  He never made a mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman"
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank.   He died and I married his wife.
 

***************************
 
 
 
  A bloke, we'll call him Alan was walking down the
  Street when he was accosted by a particularly
  Dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him
  For a couple of quid  for dinner.
 
  Alan took out his wallet, extracted a tenner and
  Asked, "If I give you  this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
 
  "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless  man replied.
 
  "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"  Alan asked.
 
  "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need
  Everything I can get  just to stay alive."
 
  "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course
  Instead of food?" Alan  asked.
 
  "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't
  Played golf in 20  years!"
 
  "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red
  Light district instead of  food?" Alan asked.
 
  "What disease is worth getting for ten lousy quid?"
  Exclaimed the homeless  man.
 
  "Well," said Alan, "I'm not going to give you the
  Money. Instead, I'm going  to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my
  Partner, Jane."
 
  The homeless man was astounded. "Won't she be  furious with you for
  Doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell  pretty disgusting."
 
  Alan replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see  what a man looks like
  who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."
 
 
Irritation
 
----------
 
There was once a movie entitled, "How to Irritate People." It is obviously
 
The employee training film at my local bank.
 
 
 
Politician
 
----------
 
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone
 
Rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.
 
When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good
 
News.
 
"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"
 
"Honestly?"
 
The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, Ma, why bring that up at a time like
 
This?"
 
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
  I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64
Charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the
Money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY  favour.
She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and
Knew what she was doing, and returned the money again.  I gave her the
Money  back, same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
 
  They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
------------------------------------------------------------------------
  I walked  into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon
  For a Grande Latte.  I handed it to the girl and she looked
Over at a little chalkboard that said  'buy one-get one free.' 'They're
Already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so  I guess they're both free'
She Handed  me my free Lattes and I  walked out the door.
 
  They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------
One day  I was walking down the beach with some Friends when
One of them shouted,  'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked Up at the
Sky and said  'Where'?
 
  They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------
While  looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate
Agent which  direction was north because, he explained, he
Didn't want the sun waking him  up every morning.  She asked, 'Does the sun
Rise in the north?'  When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
East,  and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep
Up  with all that stuff.'
 
They Walk Among Us!!
----------------------------------
I  used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre.
One day I got a  call from an individual who asked what hours the
Call centre  was  open. I told him, 'The number you dialled is open 24 hours
A day, 7 days a  week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?'
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh,  Pacific.'
 
  They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------------
  My sister has a  lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut
  Through a seat belt if she gets  trapped. She keeps it in the
Boot.
 
  They Walk Among  Us!
---------------------------------------------
My friends and I were buying beer and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought 4 cases
The cashier multiplied 4 times 10% and gave us a 40%  discount.\
 
  They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------------
I couldn't find my  luggage at the airport baggage area, so I
Went to the lost luggage office and  told the woman there that my bags
Never showed up. She smiled and told me not  to worry because she was a
Trained professional and I was in good hands.  'Now,' she asked me, has
Your plane arrived yet?
 
They Walk  Among Us!
--------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man  Ordering a
Small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
Would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
Before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm  hungry
Enough to eat 6 pieces.'\
 
  Yep,
They Walk Among  Us!
They Walk Among Us,
And they Reproduce,
  And Worst of all
 
  THEY VOTE
 
 -------
 
  
Dogs
----
A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that
Go cheap?"
 
The salesman says, "No, we have birds that go cheep. Our dogs go BARK!"
 
 
 
Funeral
-------
Minister at a funeral service, "Friends, let us say goodbye to our beloved,
Departed friend. Let us remember that here lies only the shell--the nut has
Gone!"
 
  
 
 
 
 

 
 73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew


  
  
 



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