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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   16.10.18 09:15l 382 Lines 11705 Bytes #6 (0) @ WW
BID : 21335_GB7YEW
Subj: jokes 16/10
Path: ED1ZAC<ED1ZAC<CX2SA<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 181016/0701Z 21335@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.16

 


        

As Grandmother used to say 
 
 Lightning never strikes twice in the same place
-----
 
 
  Stu said "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?"
  Leroy replied "I'm not sure what was her maiden name?"
  -----------------------------------------------------------------
  A little boy went up to his father and asked: "dad where did all of my
Intelligence come from?"
  The father replied. "Well son you must have got it from your mother cause
I still have mine".
  -----------------------------------------------------------------
  "Mr. Clark I have reviewed this case very carefully"the divorce Court
Judge said"And I've decided to give your wife 775 a week"
 
  "That's very fair your honour" the husband said. "And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few quid  myself"
  -----------------------------------------------------------------
 
  A doctor examined a woman took the husband aside and said"I don't like
The look of your wife at all."
 
  "Me neither doc" said the husband "But   she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
  -----------------------------------------------------------------
  An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.
  The Wizard says "maybe but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.
  The old man says without hesitation"I now pronounce you man and wife"
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
  "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
  "With a golf gun" the other detective replied.
  "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
  "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
  -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
  Joe: "Really?"
  Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
  -----------------------------------------------------------------
  A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
  "I'm O.K. But I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
Surgery" he answered.
  "What did he say" asked the nurse.
 
  "OOPS!"
 
------------------
 
 Two Aussies were hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. 
They approached it and were amazed at its size. 
 
The first said, "Wow, that's some hole.  I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gear box over there.  Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up.  "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask.  We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible!  I had him chained to a gear box."
 
 
 
----------
 
 
Barometer of Knowledge
 
----------------------
 
The following question appeared in a physics degree exam at the University
 
of Copenhagen:
 
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
 
One enterprising student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the
 
Neck of the barometer then lower the barometer from the roof of the
 
Skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the
 
barometer will equal the height of the building."
 
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was
 
failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer
 
was indisputably correct and the university appointed an independent
 
arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed
 
correct but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics to
 
resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six
 
minutes in which to verbally provide an answer which showed at least a
 
minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
 
For five minutes the student sat in silence forehead creased in thought.
 
The arbiter reminded him that time was running out to which the student
 
replied that he had several extremely relevant answers but couldn't make
 
up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied
 
as follows:
 
"one you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper drop
 
it over the edge and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The
 
height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 1/2gt
 
squared (height equals half times gravity time squared). But bad luck on
 
the barometer.
 
"two if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer
then   set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure
 the length of the skyscraper's shadow and thereafter it is a simple matter
 of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.
 
"three if you wanted to be highly scientific about it you could tie a
 short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum first
 at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is
 worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force (T = 2 pi
 Sqr root of l over g).
 
"four if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase it would be
 easy to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer
 lengths then add them up.
 
"five if you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it of course you
could use the barometer to measure air pressure on the roof of the
skyscraper compare it with standard air pressure on the ground and
convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the
building.
 
"six since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of
 mind and apply scientific methods undoubtedly the best way would be to
knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'I will give you this nice new
Barometer if you will tell me the height of this skyscraper.'"
 
The arbiter re-graded the student with an 'A.'
 
 
 
 
 
Exercise Plan
 
-------------
 
As part of our EAPD goals this next year I came across this exercise to
 
build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy that I am
 
directing you to include it as part of your EAPD goals for next year.
 
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room
 
at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand extend your arms
 
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
 
reach a full minute then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold
 
this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks move up to
 
10-lb. potato sacks then 50-lb. potato sacksand eventually try to get to
 
where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms
 
straight for more than a full minute.
 
After you feel confident at that level put a potato in each of the sacks but
be careful!
 
 
 ----------
 
 
Chess
 
-----
 
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
 
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
 
"But why?" they asked as they moved off.
 
"Because "he said"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Training
 
--------
 
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a
 
Demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for
 
the trek.
 
An hour later feeling the heavy load of our packs we wondered if the end
 
would ever come. "Men" our sergeant yelled "You're doing a fine job.
 
We've already covered four miles!"
 
Revitalized we picked up the pace. "And" continued Sarge"we should
 
reach the starting point any minute now."
 
 
 
 
 
Sobriety Testing
 
----------------
 
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the
 
lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir I need you to blow
 
into this breathalyzer tube."
 
The man says "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do
 
that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
 
"Okay fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood
 
sample."
 
"I can't do that either. I am a haemophiliac. If I do thatI'll bleed to
 
death."
 
"Well then we need a urine sample."
 
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do
 
that I'll get really low blood sugar."
 
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
 
"I can't do that officer."
 
"Why not?"
 
"Because I'm drunk."
 
 
 
 
 
Lions
 
-----
 
Did you hear about the circus truck driver who was fired because he refused
 
to tow the lion?
 
Where did the zoo keeper hang his laundry to dry?  On the clothes lion.
 
After losing his two watchdogs to a hungry coyote sheep farmer obtained
 
two lions and had them rotate their watch-standing duties. The next time a
 
coyote tried to have a sheep for dinner it was devoured by the lion on
 
watch. The local game warden could tell that a coyote was missing from that
 
area and asked the farmer where the coyote was. The farmer replied`It's
 
all in the lion of duty.'
 
Two military officers one Army and one Navywere on a safari in Africa and
  they bet a round of ale on who would shoot the first lion. The Army man
 Immediately headed into the jungle but the Navy pilot found a jet and shot
 A lion from the air. That proves that a strafed lion is the shortest
 Distance between two pints.
 
What happens when a lion runs into an express train?
 
It's the end of the lion.
 
How much do animal trainers in a circus make?
 
They earn the lion's share of the money.
 
Why is the King of the Jungle the laziest animal?
 
Because he's always lion down on the job.
 
That reminds us of the circus stuntman who used to stick his left arm AND
 
Left leg into a lion's mouth. He's all right now.
 
An unemployed man went home and excitedly told his wife that he had just
 
been hired by the circus to stick his head into a lion's mouth. His wife
 
asked`Isn't that hard on the lion?' `No' replied the husband`his part
 
of the act is a snap.'
 
What did the lion trainer look for in his contract with the circus?
 
A protection claws.
 
 
 
 
 
Paying Taxes
 
------------
 
Dear (?) IRS Enclosed is my 2010 tax return showing that I owe $407.00 in
Taxes.
 
Please note the attached article from USA Today wherein you will see the
 
Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA pays $600.00 per toilet
 
Seat.
 
Therefore I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers
 
(value $1029) bringing my total remitted to $3429.00.
 
Please apply my overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund"
 
As noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one
 
1.5" Phillips Head screw (see article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays
 
$22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screw) I have enclosed one for your
 
convenience.
 
It has been a pleasure to paying taxes this year and I look forward to
 
dealing with you again next year.
 
Sincerely 
 
A Satisfied Taxpayer
  
 
 
 

 73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew

  
  
 


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