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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   12.08.18 09:30l 287 Lines 8675 Bytes #6 (0) @ WW
BID : 16558_GB7YEW
Subj: jokes 12/8
Sent: 180812/0715Z 16558@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.16


 As Grandmother used to say 
 Look on the sunny side of life

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
 "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
 Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
 Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
 Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
 It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
 Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
       "It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen Test."
       Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the
Muscles.   As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally
Alert  The saying; "If you  don't use it, you will lose it" also
Applies to the brain, so...  Below is a very private way to gauge
Your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
        So, take the following test presented here and determine
If you are losing  it or are still "with it."  The spaces below
Are so you don't see the  answers until you have made your answer.
        OK, relax, clear your mind and... Begin.
         1. What do you put in a toaster?
         Answer: "bread."  If you said "toast," then give up now
And go do something  else.   Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
        2. Say "silk" five times.   Now spell "silk."  What do
Cows drink?
        Answer: Cows drink water.   If you said "milk," please do
Not attempt the next question.   Your brain is obviously over
Stressed and may even overheat.   It may be that you need to
Content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as
Children's World.
If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.
       3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house
Is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks
And a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house
Made from?
         Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.   If you
Said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here
Reading these questions?????
If you  said "glass," then! Go on to Question 4.
       4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000
Feet over Germany   (If you will recall, Germany at the time was
Politically  divided into West Germany and East Germany.)  Anyway,
During the flight, TWO of the engines fail.   The pilot, realizing
That the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash
Landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has
Time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no
man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.   Where would
you  bury the survivors?  East Germany or West Germany or in "no
man's land"?
       Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.
       If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you
must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.   Your efforts
would not be appreciated.
If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next
         5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus
from London to Milford Haven in Wales.   In London, 17 people get
on the bus.  In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine
people get on.  In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In
Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three
people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get
off and three get on. You then arrive at  Milford Haven. What was
the name of the bus driver?
       Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
       Don't you remember your own name? It  was YOU!!
       Now pass this along to all your "smart friends" and hope
they do better than you did.
       PS: 95% of people fail in most of the questions!!
Subject: English Weather
In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and the Royal Commission
 For Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local
 Climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English  Weather'.
Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population,
 It will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather'.
 In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite!
Sexual connotations -

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without any warning.  

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed   their situation.  After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.   'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know,  Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more  than  a day or two.' 
'I agree,'  says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of  here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see   yours.' 
'Well, under the  circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely  breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She  consented and he fondled them for several minutes.  
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I  have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 

'Sister, you know that if I  insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful  .. Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'   



When someone puts in for Child Support in Dallas, Texas, proper procedure
Requires finding out who the father is to determine why he is not providing
Support. The following are responses entered by
Dallas women on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing
fathers' details. These are actual excerpts from the forms.
Reviewers felt that number 11 was very good - it took a prize in their
Collective opinion, number 3 was runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by
Jim Nunson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I
Believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
Sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
With a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived
At a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met
That night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do
Manage to track down the father, can
You send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
That now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
You can contact BMW service stations in this area
And see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a
Letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and
That he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
So would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the
Economy. I am torn between doing right by you
And right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all dark skinned men  look the same
To me.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you catch up with him, can
You ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDS? Child B was also borned at the
Same time......well I don't have a clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World,
Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
Sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd
Have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146
Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when
You eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.


73 de dave

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