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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   23.06.19 08:45l 218 Lines 8095 Bytes #6 (0) @ WW
BID : 3995_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 23/6
Path: ED1ZAC<ED1ZAC<NA7KR<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190623/0632Z 3995@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

As Grandmother used to say 
 
 If you want a place in the sun you must leave the shade of the family tree
-------
 
In 1914 the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The creator
received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
 
----
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink it isn't a horse.
 
-------
cynic n.:
 One who looks through rose-coloured glasses with a jaundiced eye.
 
---------
 
 
The following is seen in a Florida newspaper:
 
Ever had a day like this? 
 
 
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and 
his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man 
was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow the motorcycle 
slipped into gear. The man still holding the handlebars was dragged 
through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto 
the floor inside the house.
 
The wife hearing the crash ran into the dining 
room and found her husband laying on the floor cut 
and bleeding the motorcycle laying next to him and 
the patio door shattered.
 
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
 
Because they lived on a fairly large hill the wife 
went down the several flights of long steps to the 
street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After 
the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to 
the hospital the wife uprights the motorcycle and 
pushed it outside.
 
Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor the wife 
obtained some papers towels blotted up the 
gasoline and threw the towels in the toilet.
 
The husband was treated at the hospital and was 
released to come home. After arriving home he looked 
at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his 
motorcycle. He became despondent went into the 
bathroom sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After 
finishing the cigarette he flipped it between his 
legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
 
The wife who was in the kitchen heard a loud explosion
and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and 
found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had 
been blown away and he was suffering burns on the 
buttocks the back of his legs and his groin. The wife 
again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
 
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife 
met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the 
husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to 
the street. While they were going down the stairs to 
the street accompanied by the wife one of the paramedics 
asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She 
told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard one 
of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband 
out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
 
This story redefines what it is to have a bad day.
 
 
 
------
 
A woman goes into a fishing shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's 
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes 
Over to the counter. The salesman is standing there wearing dark glasses. 
 
She says "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" 
 
He says"Madam I'm completely blind but if you'll drop it on the counter 
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." 
 
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. 
 
He says"That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 Reel 
And 5-kg test line. It's a good all round combination and it's on sale this week for £44." 
 
She says"It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
 I'll take it!"As she opens her purse her credit card drops on the floor. 
 
"oh that sounds like a Visa card" he says. 
 
As the lady bends down to pick up the card she accidentally passes wind. At first she is really 
embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had 
farted. 
 
The man rings up the sale and says"That'll be £58.50 please." 
 
The woman is totally confused by this and asks"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44 how 
did you get to £58.50?" 
 
"Well - the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is another £3.50."
 
------------
 
 
Cannon Balls
 
 
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But
 how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method 
devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid with one ball on top resting on four 
resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in 
a small area right next to the cannon. 
 
 There was only one problem -- how to prevent the   bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under 
the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations called a Monkey. But if this
 plate were made of iron the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem 
was to make Brass Monkeys.
 
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. 
Consequently when the temperature dropped too far the brass indentations would shrink so much 
that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus it was quite literally cold enough 
to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. 
 
And all this time you thought that was a vulgar expression didn't you? You must send this fabulous 
bit of historical knowledge to at least a few unsuspecting friends.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Pruned Mess
-----------
TACOMA Wash.A man who led police on wild high speed chase through
Tacoma Wash.then hid in a hot tub for 90 minutes was a "pruned mess"
When police finally found him. The incident began around 11:30 Wednesday
Night when suburban Lakewood police began pursuing a truck that had been
Stolen the night before the Tacoma (Wash.) News reported Friday. Police
Pursued the suspect at speeds ranging from 50 mph to 85 mph through Tacoma
And its suburbs. One cruiser crashed during the chase and the suspect
Finally crashed the truck into a tree and fled on foot authorities said.
The officer was not injured. As a helicopter and police tracking dogs
Searched for the suspect a man noticed activity in his hot tub and dialed
911 the News said. Police found the naked fugitive hiding inside the tub
Sick and wrinkled after an hour and a half in the 104-degree water.
Sheriff's spokesman Ed Troyer said it was some time before they could
Fingerprint the suspect at the Pierce County Jail. "They had to wait for
His fingers to unprune" Troyer said. "He was just a pruned mess."
 
 
 
RaPUNzel
--------
Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen:
 
IRaPUNzelhave a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with you written by the
Brothers TRIMM.
 
When I was a young CURL a jealous queen LOCKed me in a tower.
 
I was STRANDed and was at my SPLITS END -- truly a damsel in THESE TRESSES!
 
The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but day after day knight
after knight would try to climb the towerwhich was so tall the FOLLICLE You!
 
They would climb my BRAID and if they weren't so handsome I would give
Them the BRUSH off.
 
I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for being such a big TEASE.
 
One day a handsome knight named Prince LATHERRINSE tried to rescue me.
 
He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.
 
I said"COMB and SHAVE me!"
 
The queen found out about it and cut off my hair.
 
And let me tell you Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED!
 
She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLE with.
 
Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and had twins.
 
But we didn't live happily ever after because he placed too many
CONDITIONERS on our marriage which were really CRIMPING my STYLE.
 
So we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.
 
It came down to SPLITTING HEIRS so he took one twin and I took the other.
 
So now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want a LATHER RINSE
REPEAT.
 
And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair from BLONDE to brown
and this new color is to DYE for.
 
After all BRUNETTES have more pun.
 
Well that's the LONG AND SHORT of my HAIRY tale.
 
I bid you all ADO!
 
 

  
  73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
 


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