GM3YEW > HUMOUR 14.02.19 08:30l 256 Lines 10465 Bytes #8 (0) @ WW
BID : 28158_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 14/2
Sent: 190214/0715Z 28158@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Year of snow fruit will grow
Puns for those with a higher IQ
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
"When some men discharge an obligation, you can hear the report for miles
-- Mark Twain
A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the
Kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic
Numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in
dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there
was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for
female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go
away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know
that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out,
the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of
the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she
should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her,
"The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."
So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded
to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you
know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.
Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are
not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control,
racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.
Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees,
and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards,
Totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.
The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.
At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned
The ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.
While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in
the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making
small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was
riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was
this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with
her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better
look and fell out of the lift." ...
"So, how'd you break your arm?
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling .......... Take celibacy,
This can be a life choice, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened
to the instructor declare
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important
to each other."
He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's
favourite flower ?"
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
"Self raising, isn't it ?" .....
..... And thus began Robert's life of celibacy.
Teenage Daughter Owners Manual
Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter.
Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your
New daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which
Does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To
determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please
examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your
original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to
acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting
money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you
have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will
initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will
subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period,"
during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviours that will
cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these
behaviours, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the
vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down
your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter
means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat."
Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that
last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant
soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to
use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have
completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves
in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout
the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with
"neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect
others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires
regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she
detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want
you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see
you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents.
Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you
order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you
and oh he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars
a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on
your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are
available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap
dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving
the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing
something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of
maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means
that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for
heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is
hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes
for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as
far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your
teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does
not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down
she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin .
A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they
were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said,
"Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct.
This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'
You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“
Why did the British wear red coats in battle?
During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw
that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous
British "red coat . "
Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war . During one
battle, the French captured a British Colonel . They took him to
their headquarters and the French General began to question him ..
Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you
British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material
makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his casual, matter-of-fact way, the officer informed the General
that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are
wounded, the blood won't show,
…and the men they are leading won't panic .
And that’s why, from that day forward,
all French Army officers wear brown trousers ..
HOW ABSOLUTELY TRUE OF THE NEW GENERATION!!
Daughter: "Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia
and he lives in the UK .
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on
Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of
relationship through Viber.
Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."
Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your
kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband,
don't come to me....sell him on Ebay".
73 de Dave
Read previous mail | Read next mail