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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   23.10.18 09:45l 189 Lines 5715 Bytes #10 (0) @ WW
BID : 21644_GB7YEW
Subj: jokes 23/10
Sent: 181023/0736Z 21644@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.16

  As Grandmother used to say 
 Rain before seven, fine before eleven
A guy's wife and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning 
Home from the pediatrician's office with his four kid she turned 
His attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her he picked up the phone 
To call her doctor.
The receptionist answered and he related the situation to her. She 
Then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple 
Of days but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
He went ballistic and yelled into the phone"Three days?! The doctor 
Can't see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied"If so would 
You please call to cancel the appointment?" 


Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol
That the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.  Wiping away her tears,
He asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and  they made
Passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only
Have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?'  Carol agreed
And again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
Hours of life left.  He touched Carol 's shoulder and said, 'Darling?
Please?  Just one more time before I die?'  She agreed, and then
Afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his
Head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.  'Darling, I only
Have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not
Trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says
"I hate to ruin your day but your mother and I are divorcing. 
Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her and I'm sick 
Of talking about this so call your sister in Boston and tell her" 
And then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister who goes nuts upon hearing the 
She calls her father and yells"You are not getting a divorce! Bob 
And I will be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a single thing do you hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone turns to his wife and says"It worked! 
The kids are coming for a visit and they're paying their own way!"
 The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The 
Husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.
"It's simple" he said. "Division of labour. My wife makes all the
 Small routine decisions. She decides what house we buy where we 
Go on vacation whether the kids go to private schools if I should 
Change my job and so on."
"And you?"
"I make the big fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should
Declare war on China if Congress should appropriate money for a manned
Expedition to mars and so on." 

As I was driving home from work one day I stopped to watch a local 
Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my 
Home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line I asked 
One of the boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing" he answered with a smile.
"Really" I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why 
Should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet." 
"Oh No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in 
His 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could 
Have survived he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction 
He would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny 
Kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and 
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his 
Path. He moved ahead slowly.
"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell 
Several times. He heard someone or something move. At least he 
Thought he did. Perhaps he was just hoping he did. He shook his 
Head and felt his gut tighten.
He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some 
Light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed 
Against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation he took another step then cried out"Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material he heard his son. 
"Yes Dad" he said in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school" the man sighed"and for 
heaven's sake clean up this room!"
Except that one where you're naked in church. 
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken. 
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! 
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. 
Also my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
In just two days from now tomorrow will be yesterday. 
 A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory 
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false. 
I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other. 

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect. 
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable. 
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
I have kleptomania but when it gets bad I take something for it. 
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

73 de dave

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