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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   10.10.18 08:45l 312 Lines 7514 Bytes #2 (0) @ WW
BID : 20927_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 10/10
Path: ED1ZAC<ED1ZAC<GB7CIP<ZS0MEE<GB7YEW
Sent: 181010/0631Z 20927@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.16

    As Grandmother used to say 
 
 If fleecy white clouds cover the heavenly way, no rain should mar your plans that day
 ---------
  

 Deliciously Politically Incorrect... 
 
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
 
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by
Mistake... Both are in intensive care... One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
 
 
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham Council said... 'We didn't even know they
Were living up there'.
 
Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough Television shows 
With minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
 
 
-------------
 
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the
Parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was
Chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
 
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words
While they waited:
 
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
Here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
Person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set
And, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He
Had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
Affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his
sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people
were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of
good and loving people.'
 
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and
gave his talk:
 
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the
politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to
him for confession.'
 
 
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
 
 
 

----------

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, as well as the
Idiosyncrasies of English:
 
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
 
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
 
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
 

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE 
MONKEYS AND  APES?
 
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS 
WHERE ALL  THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
 
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S 
THE SELF-HELP  SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT 
THE PURPOSE.
 
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
 
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH 
HIS HANDS WITH  SOAP?
 
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, 
IS IT  CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
 
10 . IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
 
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'
 

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN 
ENDANGERED  PLANT?
 
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
 

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
 
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID 
SOMEONE WILL  CLEAN THEM?
 
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
 
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
 
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
 REMAIN SILENT?
 
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
 
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD
 SIGNS?
 
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
 
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
 
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
 
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
 

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
 

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
 
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
 
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
 
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
 
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?
 
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
 
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
 
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME
 DISORIENTED?
 
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
 
 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon 
 
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
 
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 
1. No thanks, I'm married. 
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. 
I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 
--------
 
 
 
AT THE DOCTOR'S SURGERY
 
 
 
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the
 
doctor's surgery and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
 
 
 
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
 
 
 
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her
 
left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow
 
and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
 
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
 
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
 
 
 
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
 
 
 
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
 
 
 
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is
 
      broken."
 
 
 
 

--------
 
Sexual
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his
darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. 
She had been shot dead!
 
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he
decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady
eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
 
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and
brought her back to the nest.
 
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ............ 'I am a
DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
 
Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the
nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
 
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.
Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is.......
 
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out
with the loon.
 
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous
duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. 
This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
 
??
 
NO,NO, The duck didn't say THAT!
 

?? 

 

 
Don't be SO disgusting!
 

 
The duck said....
 

 
 

 

 
'I am a DRAKE,
 
You made a MISTAKE!!
 
YOU ALL HAVE SICK MINDS
 

 
 
 

 73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
 

  
  
 



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