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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   17.08.18 11:15l 279 Lines 7809 Bytes #6 (0) @ WW
BID : 16733_GB7YEW
Subj: jokes 17/8
Sent: 180817/0911Z 16733@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.16


As Grandmother used to say 
 Flies will swarm before a storm
 A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired
 two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde
 responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named
Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of  someone naming dogs like
 "HELLOOOOOO," answered the blond.
 "They're watch dogs!"
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her
Husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay
Me a compliment."
He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, "What turns you on
More, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, "Your sense
Of humour!"
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her
Husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you
Think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid. 
Paddy & Mick find three had grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick:  "What if one explodes before we get there?"  Paddy:  "We'll lie and say
we only found two."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.  "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just freekin wet mine."
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy
half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room the boy said to the manager 'Some old boy wants to buy
half a head of lettuce.'  As he finished his sentence he turned to find the man standing
right behind him so he quickly added' and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of
that situation earlier.  We like people who think on their feet here.  Where are you from son?'
'New Zealand sir' the boy replied.
'Oh?  Why did you leave New Zealand?' the manager asked.
The boy said 'Sir there's nothing but whores and rugby players there.'
'You don't say' replied the manager 'my wife is from New Zealand!'
'Really?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the casino and bet 
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier 
when I'm completely nude'. 
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice 
and yelled, 'Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!' 
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and s
quealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' 
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings 
and her clothes and quickly departed. 
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.  Finally, one of 
them asked,  'What did she roll?' 
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' 
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men 
are men.
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
Their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in
Looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
The worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this
Time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
Semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
Length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and 200
For a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
Avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
Everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire
Group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark
Down the price of the female brains, because they've been used." 

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.  
The music was really, really  loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of  songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed 
that  everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


Towards the end of a frustrating day on the golf course, Dave hit
His ball  into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying  to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
Buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to
Make those  buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any
Butter  for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't
Have any  butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the
Rest of  your life!

Then POOF, she was gone.
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
Fred,  where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy
  A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or sex
In quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her,
So she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her
Doctor recommended that she go see Dr Chang, the  well-known Chinese sex
Therapist. So she went to see him.  Upon entering the examination room, Dr
Chang said, "OK, preeze take off all you crose." The woman did as she was
Told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of loom."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.  Dr Chang then said, "OK, now
Craw reery reery fass back to me."  So she did. Dr Chang slowly shook his
Head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.  Worse
Case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Confused, the woman
Asked, "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" "Disease is when
Your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. 
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a 
young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the 
home-owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses 
her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this 
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a 
lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed 
your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't whatever he 
tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. 
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.. 
Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my 
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any 
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
'Be strong. I love you, too' 



73 de dave

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