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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   11.05.19 07:45l 284 Lines 9110 Bytes #2 (0) @ WW
BID : 1427_GB7YEW
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Subj: Jokes 11/5
Path: ED1ZAC<ED1ZAC<CX2SA<SV1CMG<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190511/0538Z 1427@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

 
As Grandmother used to say 
 
 Although the Sun May Shine, Leave Not Thy Cloak at Home
  
 -------
 
 
Beauty:  What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
 

    
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the
                  misbehaving that was going on. So he called one of his
                  angels to go to Earth for a time.
 
                  When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on
                  Earth; 95*re misbehaving and only 5*re not.'
 
                  God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better
                  send down another angel to get a second opinion'
 
                  So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a
                  time too.
 
                  When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes,
                  it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95*re misbehaving,
                  but 5*re being good.'
 
                  God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5@ho
                  were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them
                  a little something to help them keep going.
 
                  Do you know what the e-mail said? 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                  No?
 
                  Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either...
 
 

-----------
 
The Barber
 
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked for the cost and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money
  from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop.
 
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
 
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the
shop.
 
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
 
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when
he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept
money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The professor
is very happy and leaves the shop.
 
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your
Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
 
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
is very happy and leaves the shop.
 
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
 
 
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
 
 

............................. 
     
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social 
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license and 
birth certificate to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I 
had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I 
seemed to have left my wallet at home and I'd have to go home to get it and 
come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my 
curly silver chest hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she 
processed my Social Security application. 
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social 
security office.
She glared at me for a minute, then said.......  "You should have dropped 
your pants, you might have gotten disability too."

--------

 
 
Is there a magic cutoff period when
Offspring become  accountable for their own
Actions?  Is there a  wonderful moment when
Parents can become  detached spectators in
The lives of their  children and shrug 'It's
Their life' and feel  nothing?
 
  When  I was in my twenties I stood in  a hospital
Corridor waiting for  doctors to put a few
Stitches in my daughter's  head.  I asked 'When do
You stop worrying?'   The nurse said 'When they get out of the
accident stage.'  My
Dad just smiled faintly  and said nothing.
 
 
When I was in my thirties I sat on a  little
Chair in a classroom and  heard how one of my
Children talked  incessantly disrupted the class And was headed for a
career making
License plates.   As if to read my mind a teacher
Said 'Don't worry they  all go through
This stage and then you can  sit back relax and
Enjoy them.'  My dad  just smiled
Faintly and said  nothing.
 
 
 
When I was in my forties I spent a  lifetime
Waiting for the phone to  ring the cars to come
Home the front door to  open.  A friend said 'They're trying to find
themselves.
Don't worry In a few years you can  stop worrying.  They'll be
Adults.'  My dad just  smiled faintly
And said  nothing.
 
 
 
 
By the time I was 50 I was sick &  tired of being
Vulnerable.  I was  still worrying over my
Children but there was a  new wrinkle.  There
Was nothing I could do  about it.  My
Dad just smiled faintly  and said nothing.  I
Continued to anguish over  their failures, be
Tormented by their  frustrations and absorbed in
Their  disappointments.
 
 
 
 
My friends said that when  my kids got married I
Could  stop worrying and lead my own
Life.  I wanted to  believe that but I was
Haunted by my dad's warm  smile and his
Occasional 'You look  pale.  Are you all right?
Call me the minute you get  home.  Are
You depressed about  something?'
 
  Can  it be that parents are sentenced to a
Lifetime of worry?   Is concern for one another
Handed down like a torch  to blaze the trail of
Human frailties and the  fears of the
Unknown?  Is concern  a curse or is it a virtue
That elevates us to the  highest form of life?
 
  One  of my children became quite irritable
Recently saying to me 'Where were you?  I've been
Calling for 3 days and no  one answered I was worried.'
I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been  passed.
 
 -------
 
 
   An Arkansas farmer got in his pickup and drove to a  neighbouring farm and
knocked at the farmhouse door.
   A young boy about 12 opened the door.
  "Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
  "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
  "Well," said the farmer, "is yer maw here?"
  "No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."
  "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
  "He went with maw and paw."
  The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the  other
and mumbling to himself.
  "There anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where  all
the tools are, if you want to borry one.
  Or maybe I could take a  message fer paw."
  "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer  paw. It's
about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
  Pregnant."
  The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about  that,
" he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges
  $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets
fer Howard."
 
 
 
-----------------
 
 
 

 
 

 Rare
-----------------------------------
My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in 
Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real 
surfer girl:  athletic with a great tan and blond hair. 
Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast 
beef was rare. 
 
The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied,
"Well, no.  We have it, like, just about every day."
 

__
 
Having moved 15 times during our 37-year 
marriage, my husband and I appreciate 
movers who take the time to label carefully 
boxes they pack for us. The accuracy of labels 
can make a huge difference when we try to 
find something right away.
 
My favourite was done by one guy who attached 
this sticker to a box - obviously not 
knowing how to spell the best one word 
description: 
"Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party." 
 
 
COWS
 
 Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing 
that our government can track a cow born in Aberdeen 
almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in Hereford, and they  tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
 
 
 
CONSTITUTION
 
 They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for 
Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written 
by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 
years, and we're not using it anymore.
 
 
 
TEN COMMANDMENTS
 
 The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a 
Courthouse?
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit 
Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, 
Judges, and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!
 
 
 

  
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew  
 


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