GM3YEW > HUMOUR 16.02.19 08:30l 285 Lines 7444 Bytes #3 (0) @ WW
BID : 28277_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 16/2
Sent: 190216/0725Z 28277@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Look on the sunny side of life
Puns for those with a higher IQ
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
I tend to think of it this way.
I have no bottles of beer, that's zero, zilch, no bottles of beer existing
In my house. Then, I buy (add) a bottle of beer. I now have one bottle
Of beer. So, zero, nil, nought, nothing, nowt, plus one equals one.
But does it? For some reason, very soon after I have added one bottle
of beer to my no bottles of beer, I have no bottles of beer.
So, to be sure, I go get another bottle of beer, I now have one bottle
Of beer. So, again, zero, nil, nought, nothing, nowt, plus one equals one.
But for some reeason, very soon after I have added one bottle of beer
To my no bottles of beer, I stiill have no bottles of beer.
So, to check again, I go get another bottle of beeer, I now have oone bottle
Of beer. So, again, zero, niet, noughkt, nothing, nada, plus one equals one.
But.... Man! Aggain, very soun aftahr I have added one bottle of beer, NO BEER!!!
I stiill have no bottles of beer. I DAUN'T UNDERFSTHANDZ!!
I HAVVVVVE A PHROBLEEME!! Sow, thou chaick again, I gotta get anautherzz
bottle of beeeeeeeeeeer, I now have oone bottle of beer for suhuhuuuure. So,
egen, zaro, nida, nouett, naulth, bikanda, plus one equals one beeeerrrrr.
Bouasch! Buuurp! Man! No bier Aaaaaahhh... I llaalaaaa!!!! Underpom! Pom!
Pom! Pom! Pom!
Zappy haulidayzze!! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Two friends met, and Joe said to Tom, who looked a bit battered and
Bruised, "I heard you had a terrible fight with that Andy Loggins fella."
"Yeah, I did." replied Tom. "And I've had licked him too! Only someone
Stopped me from doing it."
"Oh yeah?" asked Joe. "Who stopped you?"
"Well," said Tom, rather sheepishly, "if you must know, Andy Loggins."
How can you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
You can touch the ceiling with your nose.
Would you call a cow that plays the violin "Fiddler on the Hoof"?
Some bankers are generous to a vault.
Police have arrested a young woman for stealing my credit card information.
It was a classic case of Miss taking identity.
Making tea while mountain climbing can be a steep challenge.
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.
I just got done reading a book on centipedes. It was good, but about 60% of
The thing was footnotes.
If ever I'm stranded in the desert and need water, it's won't be a problem.
I'll just tee up a golf ball and let ER rip.
If there's water anywhere near, the result is guaranteed.
The Museum Mice
Once there were three blind mice who lived in a museum. One evening after
The museum had closed and it was very quiet, the first mouse crawled into a
Huge suit of armor.
Before he knew it, he was lost.
"Help!" he shouted to his friends,"Help me make it though the knight!"
"Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one
Day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones
But names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks
And stones all the way." -- Harry Hill
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them
Unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory
Attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places
in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says:
'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful
genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited.
Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.
It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think
your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
Black & White TV
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife
one day and said "Fifty" years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got
to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.
Now .... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed
and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It
seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old
Did you know that eagles mate for life?
Well, one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary,
His darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't
Return, he went looking and found her.. She had been shot.
Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes
Of mourning he decided that he must get himself another
Mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd
Have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove
And brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all
the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I
want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of
the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found
a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the
sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I
want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck
back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck
would say was...
No, the duck didn't say THAT
.... Don't be SO disgusting!!!
The duck said,
'I am a DRAKE
you made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!
73 de dave
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