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As Grandmother used to say
Every day is a new beginning
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
You know it's a credit crunch when...
The cash point asks if you can spare any change.
There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.
The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.
Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.
Highgrove has been repossessed.
Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.
Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft
mechanics at Aberdeen Airport.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with
nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to
do this more often.'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'Have you passed wind yet?'
'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Edinburgh.'
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her
what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
"HELLLOOOOOOO.....," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring
£50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. If you
Ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 p.m.by the time he arrived at the designated
meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're
three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27
THE BLONDE COWBOY
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy
coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots,
so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road
and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
Shirt...so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ..
So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ! ......
so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
"Now go to town cowboy... ".
So here I am.
Son of a Gun, "Blonde" Men do exist.
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and
walked out into the lobby of the convention
where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what
I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and
in it there is ...
Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish,
Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians,
Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on
The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear,
"That's because it takes place in the future..."
Bad Language :-
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala!
What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they
enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth
was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him
to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the
koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river
while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest,
found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked
up and said,
So the koala looked down at him and said,
How much water did you drink?!'
73 de dave
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