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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   09.02.19 07:30l 277 Lines 9058 Bytes #3 (0) @ WW
BID : 27911_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 9/2
Sent: 190209/0622Z 27911@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18

As Grandmother used to say 
 If you live in Wales and you build dry stone walls, the rainy weather always appalls

The Egyptian government have come up with a plan to stop the riots. 
They are calling on everyone to get in a car, honk the horn and chill out. 
They are calling it "toot-n-kalm-doon" 


 'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
 'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. 
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, 
a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are 
now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results 
are either bad or terrible.'
 'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
 'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the 
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.'
 'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
 'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests  
one time.'
 'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
 'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
 somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep 
with him.


Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick!
Once A Pun A Time -------------
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony 
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jump lead walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't 
start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A 
beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste 
funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds 
like Tom Jones Syndrome" "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was 
artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't Believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no 
bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced 
an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He Also ate very little, which made him rather 
frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.(Oh, man, this is so 
Bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly 
it sank, proving once again that you can't Have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby 
discussing their recent tournament victories. 
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. 
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." !
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in 
Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes To a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
 Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the 
Picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her 
husband responds, "They're twins! You've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the 
hope that at least ten of the puns would Make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an  Irish border checkpoint.
 Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Sexual content -

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like
that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like
an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have
heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he
could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was
in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one
could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
f******* widow!!!!"

An Australian court case.
A heavily pregnant woman got on a bus, and was unsettled to notice the man
opposite smiling at her.  She moved seat, but the smile turned to a grin.
She moved again.  The man seemed more amused.  When, on the fourth move, the
man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver.  He called the police.
The case came to court.  The judge asked the man what he had to say for
himself.  "Well, your Honour, when the lady got on the bus, she sat under a
sign that said The Double Mint Twins are Coming, and I smiled.  Then she
moved and sat under a sign that said Logan's Liniment will Reduce the
Swelling, and I had to grin.  Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign
that said William's Big Stick Did the Trick, and I could hardly contain
myself.  But when she sat under a sign that said Goodyear Rubber could have
Prevented this Accident, I just lost it."  Case dismissed.

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
 mail  through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
  When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
 whole  family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on
 his way  with a gift cheque for 50.
 At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
 The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.
 She  took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
 she blew  his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.
 When he had  had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde
 fixed him a full  English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage, Tomato with
 freshly-squeezed orange  juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him
 a cup of steaming coffee.  As she was pouring, he noticed a 5 note
 sticking out from under the cup's  bottom edge.
 "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five
   quid for?"
 "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
 would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I
 asked him what to give you.
 "He said, f*** him. Give him a fiver.' " She smiled shyly and said, "The
 breakfast was my idea!"

  73 de dave

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