GM3YEW > HUMOUR 18.02.19 08:15l 247 Lines 7705 Bytes #5 (0) @ WW
BID : 28378_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 18/2
Sent: 190218/0710Z 28378@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground
As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or
ethnic minority, try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha,
a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap,
a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian,
a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb,
a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an
Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African
went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai. "
A salesman breaks down in a remote country lane. A farmer in the adjacent
park comes over and they discover that they are “Brothersö.
The salesman is concerned as he has an important appointment in the local town. “
don't worryö says the farmer, “you can use my car, I will call a friend and
get the car repaired whilst you are at your appointmentö.
Off goes the salesman and a couple of hours later he returns but unfortunately
the car is awaiting a part that won't arrive until the morning.
“It’s not a problem,ö says the farmer, “use my phone and reschedule your
first appointment tomorrow, stay with us tonight and I'll see that the car is
done first thing!ö
The farmers’ wife prepares a wonderful meal and they share a glass of fine
single malt during an excellent evening.
The salesman sleeps soundly and when he awakes his car is repaired and
ready to go.
After a full breakfast, the salesman thanks them both for their hospitality.
As he and the farmer walks to his car he turns and asks,
“my Brother, thank you so much but I have to ask, did you help me because
I'm a Mason?ö
“Noö replied the farmer, “I helped you because I am a Mason.ö
My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal that
Can be heard by anyone near him.
One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the device started to
Surprised, my niece looked up at him.
"Grandpa," she said, "you've got mail."
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the
White man came, an Indian said simply, "Ours."
You Live In New York When:
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle
To Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
You think Central Park is "nature."
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes
You've worn out a car horn.
You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
You get upset that a cabbie is obeying all the rules of the road.
You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay
You know that the off the shelf insecticides are just laughing gas to the
Superior roaches cohabiting with you in the 500 square foot apartment.
You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the 4 major
Food groups: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.
Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.
You don't even notice the nice lady walking down the road having a
Perfectly normal conversation with her self.
The Med Student
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical
Students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left
Fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away from earth at 90,000 miles a
Second. What do you suppose they know that we don't?
I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet... He said "postage dew".
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Odd that when a house burns down, the only things left standing are the
Chimney and the fireplace.
I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like
It when you join in.
How dangerous could a fax be, if the pen is mightier than the sword and a
Picture is worth a thousand words.
My spouse has suggested a candlelight dinner at home for our anniversary.
Is that being romantic or just cheap?
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the
Birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.
There are two types of roads in our country. One is under construction and
The other is under repair.
Yesterday is experience, tomorrow is hope, today is getting from one to the
When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're
Mooning everyone behind you.
Bizarre Mini-Skirt Controversy
The mini-skirt is a fashion today, but in the '60s, it was a major
Controversy. Here's how some people reacted:
Women in mini-skirts were not allowed to enter Vatican City.
In the Congo, police arrested 300 women wearing mini-skirts, which were
Churches in Caracas, Venezuela put up signs telling people to give up their
Minis or "be condemned to hell."
In Egypt, women in minis were subject to a charge of indecent behaviour.
This law was passed because two women wore mini-skirts in the centre of the
City and caused a two-hour traffic jam.
Disneyland outlawed mini-skirts - the gatekeepers measured the distance
From the woman's knee to her hemline and restricted her entrance until she
Ripped out the hem.
In Greece, anyone wearing a mini-skirt was jailed.
A sixty-three-year-old man in Rio De Janeiro on a bus was overcome when a
Young woman wearing a mini-skirt crossed her legs in the seat next to him.
He bit her on the thigh and was sentenced to three days in jail.
When God gave out brains, I thought he said trains – so I missed mine.
When God gave out looks, I thought he said books, so I didn't want any.
When God gave out noses, I thought he said roses, so I asked for a big red one.
When god gave out chins I thought he said gins so I asked for a double.
When God gave out legs I thought he said kegs, so I ordered two big fat ones.
When God gave out heads I thought he said beds, so I asked for a big
Oh god, am I in a mess.
Notice to the exchequer
Please find below some suggestions for fixing Britain's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses,
use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force. -
Pay them £1 million a piece severance for early retirement with the
1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - Unemployment
2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Twenty million cars ordered -
Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing
4) They must send their kids to school / college /university - Crime rate
5) They must buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco a week there's your money
back in duty / tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
73 de dave
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