GM3YEW > HUMOUR 12.06.19 10:30l 251 Lines 7638 Bytes #4 (0) @ WW
BID : 3509_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 12/6
Sent: 190612/0818Z 3509@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A sun shiny shower, won't last half an hour
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see
it tried on him personally.
-- A. Lincoln
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day
and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an
appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an
x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery
scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!
An elderly Italian goes to confession.
"Father during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to
hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and
you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances
can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry
for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
An English Summer, Three Hot Days and a Thunderstorm
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
Some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Two women, who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls Night
out and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the margaritas.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They
were very near a cemetery and one of them suggested they "whiz" behind a
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she thought she' take
off her undies, use them, then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive underwear and did not want
to ruin hers. She was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath
that was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the ribbon. After
finishing, they then made off for home.
The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said
"This girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home
last night without her undies.
" "That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came home with a card stuck
to her bum that said,
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION. WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU".
Council complaints - These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
5. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it had backfired and burnt my knob off.
6. And their 18 yr old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind
the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job to satisfy my wife.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on
it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third, so please send
someone round to do something about it.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink..
16. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6 a.m. His cock
wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly, then he put his foot in the hole
in his back passage.
19. 508f the walls are damp, 501ave crumbling plaster and 50*re plain filthy.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something
about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence," says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna,
places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed
by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.
"The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one."
Why condoms are packed 3, 6, 12 in a box ? ? ? ? ? ?
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son ....
Men use them to have safe sex.'
'Oh, I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'
'Cool!' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
'Those are for college men.' the dad answers. 'Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and
two for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for
February, one for March . . . . . . . . '
73 de dave
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